andreatam

I can’t say this happens to all of us, because I know it doesn’t.  But I think for a certain number of people, myself included, we’d like to think of ourselves as more assertive and more aggressive than we actually are.

In general, I’ve never been very aware of how people perceive me.  Not to say that I have never been self-conscious or that I’ve never doubted myself.  For sure I have, and probably as much as the next person, but it has never been a very defining characteristic of mine.  I’ve just always done what I thought I need to do.  I can say I was pretty outgoing growing up – doing bit of drama in school, directed our class, got into drama committee.  In Grade 6, I decided to form a elite club and make newsletters for the members.  In college, I went through the student council to have a new club started, with funding. Et cetera, et cetera.

It was during that time, when a classmate of mine commented that she could never picture me quiet and submissive.  I was taken aback.  I knew I was pretty headstrong, but I had no idea that I was seen as this alpha type person.  She saw me as a person who challenged people, and a person who needed to dominate.  When someone tells you who you are and then you realize how much of yourself you don’t know.  I thought back to more defiant moments.  In the 3rd grade, my class teacher (homeroom teacher to North Americans), Mrs Cheung, wanted to see my parents.  She also wanted to see Esther To’s, and Hilda Chan’s.  While Esther and Hilda nodded in unison, and I was sure they were scared of whatever trouble they got into (which was impossible – they were super good girls), I demanded Mrs Cheung that she told me the exact reason why she wanted to see my mom.  Obviously, I got no answer and then Mrs Cheung told my Mom that I was lippy and that broke another level of hell I never knew existed.

Anyway, during my 20s, I slowly discovered my quieter side.  This side allows me to think more, learn more, and recuperate.  I learned to balance the alpha in me a little better, a little friendlier.  When I don’t know it, I usually don’t speak it, I listen more.  Personality tests that were passed around told me I was an INFJ or something like that – Introvert something something.  I felt like I did a complete personality morph.

And then, there was the colour test, which gave me a golden line which my ex-coworkers liked to quote as often as they could, “Sometimes you forget that other people have feelings”.  Which I thought was funny, until it wasn’t.  And it wasn’t when I got sloshed during a farewell party and let everyone knew exactly what I was thinking.  It wasn’t pretty.

I am pretty certain this is from my daily self-oppression.  I oppress the words that could potentially come out of my mouth.  I oppress opinions that I really hold for my friends and their actions.  I oppress the venom.

I was only able to come up with two solutions, neither of which seem very viable.

1. Never, ever, to get drunk again.  While I never intend to get drunk, it happens.

2. Aim to get so mentally and physically exhausted on a daily basis that I do not have the energy to be venomous, and will then instead focus on flowers and ladybirds.